Out With Expectation

This morning I was sitting in my chair in my little corner of my office, journaling. Sometimes I just randomly write down my thoughts and other times I puzzle through things that are bothering me. Today, it was the latter. I was trying to figure out why I’d been so frustrated and angry and disappointed and upset lately (yes, I know, I sound like I’ve just been a ton o’ fun, well, here’s a shocker: I haven’t). This morning I was going through all the things that I’d been promised, assured of, or even hoped for, that I knew were never going to happen. Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity, but I was upset. No, disappointed, because I’d gotten my hopes up for things that I knew just weren’t going to happen. Things that I’d now either have to figure out how to do myself (in some cases, a long shot but not impossible) or just give up on entirely. So then, I asked myself. If these were things that I cannot fix or change or build or adjust, if these things I wanted were outside my power to bring to fruition, did I want to sit here and let it make me miserable or did I want to figure out a way to move on from it. I was putting all my eggs in someone else’s basket waiting for them to do it for me instead of seeing what was […]

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Oh Monday, my Love

“You never know how much you love something until it’s gone.” “You never know what you had until you’ve lost it.” “You can’t appreciate what you’ve got until you no longer have it.” And so on, and so on. That can be such a depressing quote, or, it is so often used in sad situations. When a loved one dies, when a relationship is over, when the world ends and you no longer have the amenities of modern living. Or, like us this weekend, no power or water for 5 hours at -35. But it can also be so uplifting because you can truly appreciate the thing you love so much more when you get it back (assuming it can come back, so obviously I’m not talking about death or the apocalypse right now. Although, even that is open for discussion. Just not here, today.) Like, you forget how amazing a cold glass of water can taste until you’ve hiked through the desert for hours with an empty canteen. Or you forget how much you love your dog until he comes bounding up at you like he’s been waiting his whole lifetime for you, even if you’ve only been gone fifteen minutes. Or you forget how truly amazing air conditioning is until you’ve spent several hours at 40 degrees (celcius) with 100% humidity. In those cases, that quote can be pretty amazing. When you remember how much you really did love it. Like […]

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Argh!

I have re-read and re-written the same paragraph about fifteen times in the past half an hour. Why? Am I struggling to get that perfect word and just can’t find it? Putting those final touches on what will soon be an epic paragraph, one that will be underlined and quoted for many years to come? No. I’m trying to work at my kitchen table while the rest of my family goes on about their lives. Which means that my kids are arguing and crying, whining and wandering, one keeps popping her head around my laptop and reading over my shoulder, one is needing things from his bath, and they’re both incapable of keeping quiet for a minimum of thirty seconds. They are asking to play video games, asking to watch TV, asking where things are. And do you think they notice that I am frustrated and trying to concentrate on my computer screen? No. Why? Because they are children. And children have no idea there’s another world in existence that might not revolve around them…or more importantly, might not WANT to revolve around them, even for fifteen minutes. So I have given up on my attempts to edit the opening of Chapter 4. That chapter will have to sit idle for a little while longer. Probably until September. Or, realistically speaking considering the fact that there is to be an ongoing teacher’s strike into the fall, until November. Months to go […]

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